A Mother's Heartbreak

Did you ever meet someone for a brief moment that for no reason you can put your finger on, that person left an indelible mark..?  Well, let me tell you about “Margaret”.  I met “Margaret” I think about ten years ago, and we only talked briefly, however we have kept in contact since.

“Margaret” has a story of tragedy, of endless love, of great pain, of being the epitome of a strong mama bear, and a woman whose eyes are perpetually stung with the bitterness of tears wrought by a broken heart for a baby boy who grew up and developed an unshakable monkey on his back; a son who has been in the “system” for so long, it probably seems normal to him.

She shared this story recently and while it only touches on the harsh reality she lives with on a daily basis, I believe that maybe her son’s story and her pain might help others.  So, with her permission and with the hope that it helps others, I am letting you all take a look at a page in the story of “Margaret” and her son.  Please keep them both, and so many others in similar circumstances in your prayers.

“Boy, did this hit home. I started letting good friendships go in 2013 when Josh started going off the rails. I avoided people. I turned down invitations to parties and family functions. Over the next five years it got so much worse. I actually purged phone numbers from my phone. I deleted contacts. I didn’t want to talk to anyone who knew us from before. Josh was in a cycle of overdoses, rehab, juvenile detention. Most parents are lucky enough to never find their son near death, gray and seizing. I found out that I had superhuman strength to take a door off the hinges. I also found out that this was too horrible for normal people to know about. So, I kept it to myself. I realized that there was no way I could get remarried with all of this going on. We were living in next level hell. My job was to protect Ethan and Emma from Josh while Josh was busy trying to kill himself and protect Josh from reaching his goal. Most parents are fortunate enough never to have the police beating on their door in the middle of the night. Most parents will never have a helicopter over their house at 3am and three K-9 units looking for their kid. I had five cops in my kitchen and when I realized the helicopter was over my house, I said, “Well, we’ve really kicked white trash up a notch.” No matter how many times I told Josh he was on a trajectory to prison, he didn’t listen. He never listened. He was only ever sorry when he was locked up. I never wanted an apology. I wanted changed behavior. I wanted him to stop destroying himself. I wanted him to see his worth. I wanted him to claw himself out of the hole he was in and defy the horrible crimes that had been committed against him. He’s now in the Central Florida processing center waiting to be sent to a Florida State prison. My baby, who talked in full sentences before he was one. My son who was so hilarious. My son who won’t even tell my how many times he’s been revived with Narcan. I want to pray “whatever it takes” but the last time I did that, my husband got diagnosed with leukemia and died so that prayer is not crossing my lips ever again. The only thing I can say is that he knows I love him. That’s it. Hopefully it’s enough for however long his life is. 

REPOSTED FROM A FRIEND: “There's a reason why parents of big kids shut down when their kids hit the teenage years.

There's a reason why moms stop talking to other parents at pick-up lines and dads avoid people at all costs.

You know that phrase little kids, little problems. Big kids, bigger problems? It is so true.

And if you are lucky enough to raise a teenager that never drank or smoked or did drugs, if you are lucky enough to have a child that never got arrested for a misdemeanor or snuck out or cheated on a test, if you are lucky enough never to feel like you were just a complete and utter failure as a parent because of the behavior of your kid despite your best efforts, consider it just that: lucky.

Because for most big kids who do something bad, it is usually not from bad parenting as much as the teen making a bad decision.

And we need to sit on that for a second.

Before we rush to judgment. Before we roll our eyes and start mentioning all the things we think those parents did wrong. Before we fill ourselves with righteous indignation, we need to remember that it could be our kid, and how do we want people to treat us.

Sure, we need to be conscientious parents and raise our kids to the best of our abilities. But unless you have severely neglected, abused, or traumatized your child, we need to recognize that sometimes teenagers lose their way despite our best efforts.

Addiction can be genetic. Violence could be linked to a traumatic event not related to the parents. Stealing could be attention seeking behavior. Lying is testing boundaries. 

But also, teenagers have been found to be poor decision-makers if they feel pressured, stressed or are seeking attention from peers, so while with one friend a teen may say no to alcohol, at a party with peers they want to impress, they may engage in binge drinking in a spur-of-the-moment request.

Rather than blaming the parents, we need to rally around families who need support instead of pushing them further under water.

I still believe as parents we are the number one role models for our kids. I still believe that we can arm our children with information and boundaries, so they grow up into productive adults. 

But I also believe that most of us are trying our best and parent with the best of intentions.

I speak from experience. Sometime good kids just make bad decisions. Sometimes good kids have addictions. Sometimes good kids are hurting and don't know how to express it. Sometimes good kids cave under pressure. Sometimes good kids want to impress their peers, so they do something bad.

And oftentimes these good kids come from good parents.

There is enough guilt when it comes to parenting. Did I do too much for them? Not enough? Did I give them too much freedom? Was I too overbearing? Many parents spend the rest of their lives wondering where they went wrong when raising their kids.

So, the next time your local rumor mill starts running with the bad behavior of a child coming from a "good" family, maybe resist the urge to spread the gossip to another friend. 

Instead, maybe use it as a discussion springboard with your own child. 

And if you are feeling extra generous, reach out to that parent who is most likely beating themselves up for their child's behavior, the one who feels isolated, the one who is staying up all night examining every parenting decision she ever made.

They could use some support, too”.